I hugged him back after all... I couldn't just leave him being hugging me awkwardly... let's hug awkwardly together...
"It's me who should apologize... I just had a really rough time sleeping, and I was already all grumpy this morning." - I finally broke the silence.
"That's strange, I thought you slept well." - A face appeared from his room... Oh, just who I wanted to see *sarcasm*
"Oh. Hi Rider." - I mumbled, but I didn't have the nerve to look at him. I just didn't ave it in me to be all cocky when my mind was filled with the last sight of him before I fell asleep, when I still could smell his cologne on my clothes, when I still felt his warmth on my skin... even though we didn't do anything that night - that I know of - it was still hard for me to digest the whole situation.
I have never been in such a situation, but clearly, he was enjoying this more than he should. I wish that he could be the guy he used to be, when he was dating Adriel... I know it sounds freakish, but back then he was a real gentleman, and he cared for others' feelings more than just about his own.
Morgen just stood between us, awkwardly. I knew that he was his friend to begin with, so even if I felt that we got closer as friends, he would never look at me as a good friend like he looks at Rider. They were almost like brothers, and Morgen only knew me for a couple months - clearly not long enough to develop a long, and strong friendship.
But I give him credit for not making fun of me for letting that arrogant jerk sleep in my bed. Of course, it was not my choice - yeah, maybe I was telling myself that, but to be truly honest, even if the decorum orders, I didn't regret that I didn't kick him out, but there was no way I would ever admit that I let him use me like that...
However, it still made my heart ace to know that he was probably just feeling alone that night, and he had no feelings for me. Most likely, he would have done other things with me, if I would agree with such, but I was just not the type of girl.
"So, I guess then we are alright..." - I looked at Morgen. His cheeks were faintly pink. He was embarrassed for me too... I knew that if I don't leave now, I would say something to Rider that I would regret later, so I just decided that it would be the best to just say my good-byes for now, and just leave them be.
"Yeah." - Morgen smiled at me.
"Thank you." - I said finally, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, then began to walk to the other corridor, back to my room.
***
I sat on my bed, reading stories from the book that Cass gave me before he left. They were just simple fairy tales, but some names sounded so familiar, and I realized that there are traditional names inside my family that had been passed down from generations to generations with some modifications. And I also found the family motto... it was in Latin, so I was forced to turn to Google Translate for an answer. Fortitudo, decus, gloriam. I know, it sounds... well strange. But it means something like strength, pride, glory - or something like that.
I also found pictures of breathtaking places that existed somewhere in our world, hidden form human eyes, and out of the reach of ordinary people.
And even now I still counted as an ordinary girl in the eyes of the people around me.. they were all powerful creatures... powerful enough to erase my existence from this planet without a trace. I don't even know why the hell I'm still trying...
At the same time, I counted at freak in both worlds. I had powers like no one else, and I couldn't say that they were useful for anyone. Sure enough, I was able to purify someone, but at the cost of sharing memories, and I didn't know how to control it. Maybe if there were people with abilities like mine, I could learn what can i do to stop this madness around me, and at least pretend that I am normal...
However, I doubt that I could go back to the human ways of living. I had blades in my drawers, made of weapons: different kind of daggers, I even had a sword in there somewhere... I had a fighting gear, and I had books, full of spells, and recipes for different kind of potions... It was... not normal.
And there was that thing... The thing inside me that made me feel ill at ease when I was alone in the dark, like there was a stranger watching me. Not like a guardian angel, but like a spy who gives information to the enemy, or an assassin on a mission to take my life. I didn't know what made me feel this way.
As I was thinking about this, a shard of memory passed through me, making me twitch. The feeling of the strong, warm arms embracing me in a hug, and a scent of cologne... the calm, strong heartbeat that I felt on my skin as I was pressed against his chest... I felt safe.
I felt safe with Rider, no matter what I try to make myself believe about what I felt. It was a good feeling, even if it was wrong to feel this way about a boy, who acted so strange, and loved none, but himself.
I hugged myself with trembling arms, trying to make the hole in my heart stop aching for something I am not supposed to miss, since it had never been mine.
The door opened swiftly, and I let out a gasp in surprise.
"Hello." - Rider was leaning against the door with an egoistic smile on his perfectly shaped lips.
"I locked that door." - I said it in shock, but I could feel the anger rush through my body. - "Did you break in?!"
"I would't call it breaking in... let's say I just stopped by for a quick visit, shall we?" - He grinned.
"For what?" - The question was reasonable to ask, I mean it's not every day that a fallen angel breaks your door... or at least I hoped that he doesn't plan to make a habit out of this.
He pushed the door closed with his feet, so inhumanly graceful that it made my heart skip a beat. He swiftly moved towards me. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he placed his weight on his arms as he leaned on it towards me. His lips almost touched mine, but they stopped a half inch away.
"Did you think I let you get away with kissing Morgen?" - He whispered.
"That was just a friendly kiss on the cheek." - I said, and leaned a little backwards so I put two inches between us.
"I don't care. A kiss is a kiss..." - He moved closer again, and I had nowhere to escape, because he clasped my hands firmly in his. - "And I would have forgave you, but you left me there. I got no kiss." - Rider's voice was mocking, and I almost thought that he was just joking. Then, unexpectedly, he let me go, and just fell on my bed, and rubbed his face with his hands.
"Are you okay?" - I asked, and put my book aside.
"Yeah, why?" - He looked at me with those incredible eyes that I fell for right at the moment when I first saw them.
"To me it does not look like you are upset because you didn't get a kiss on the cheek." - I smiled. He laughed, and for a long moment, he just stared at my ceiling.
"What if it is my problem?" - Rider didn't turn towards me, but his eyes were on me. I smiled, and leaned to kiss him on the cheek.
"There, happy now?" - I smiled. He smirked, but didn't say a thing for a long moment.
"I need to ask a favor form you." - Rider sat up beside me, and I pulled my legs under me.
"What is it?" - There was a limit to what I'd do for him, but I could just hope that he wouldn't ask something that he knew I wouldn't fulfill with a clear mind and heart.
"There is someone who is coming here.. someone who used to be important for me, but by now, I really don't wanna see her. However she knows which room is mine... so would you mind if I just stay with you for a couple days...?" - Rider's eyes looked like a puppy dog's, and I could never resist puppy dog eyes. I mean really Rider?!!?!?!?!
"But..."
"I promise to behave." - He raised his eyebrows, and looked at me desperately.
"Oh.... I hate you." - I rolled my eyes. He just smiled, and I said the words that were unnecessary to say out loud - "Okay you can stay. But you will have to sleep on the couch." - To that, he looked a bit surprised.
"Why?"
"Because..." - I rolled my eyes. - "I am not gonna sleep with you in the same bed, under the same covers." - Rider was trying very hard not to burst out in laughter, but clearly he wasn't successful, because eventually he began to crack up. -"What?! It's not lady like..." - I murmured.
"Well, I try to keep that in mind next time." - He was wiping off tears his cheeks, and that was intimidating to be honest. - "What? Aren't you gonna hit me like you do when I tease you?"
That made me blush.. it is true, I used to hit him when he was being all annoying, but now.. "I don't feel like hitting you." - I confessed. He looked at me as if I slapped him: shocked and weirded out.
"Are you sick, or something?" - His husky voice caused goosebumps along my spine, and I just wanted him to stay here like this, just talking to me, and we could be close. But that was not an option, right? Especially since that girl who used to be precious to him was heading back here... what if they make up? The thought circled in my mind, painfully, but restlessly. He would ditch me, like he never even knew me.
Rider grabbed my shoulder. - "What's wrong? I can tell you are over-thinking something again..." - I stood up, trying to escape from the touch that left me longing for more.
"It's really nothing. I.... I gotta take a shower. I'll be back." - I lied, and swayed into the bathroom as quickly as I could.
There, I washed off my makeup, and brushed my hair out, then jumped under the shower, but as soon as the water began to flow, I couldn't hold my tears back. I didn't even know why was I crying, but I was, and it felt like a relief. As the water was flowing down my face, my tears became invisible, like they never even existed, and it was just something I knew about, but no one else had even a chance, not even if they saw me to know that I was breaking inside for some reason i couldn't explain fully... was I falling in love?
Rider asked me once, back then, not long after we met, if I knew what love was. My answer was that I haven't put my heart on the line, and by now, I think that was better that way. Because now, it hurts. It hurts like hell.
A faint knock awoke me from my mental-self-harm.
"What?" - I called.
"You're crying." - Rider answered, but he didn't open the door - thankfully.
"No."
"Stop lying. I could hear it." - He said. His husky, deep voice was kind - kinder than I have ever heard it, even than the way he spoke in his memories, when his loved ones were hurt.
"Please..." - I said quietly - "Just ignore me." - I let out a sour laugh. - "God, even I can't explain why I'm crying."
I stepped out from the shower, and wrapped a pink towel around myself. Like he felt that I wasn't entirely naked anymore, the door opened, and Rider was already beside me, and his strong arms wrapped around me tightly.
"Don't cry..." - He whispered. - "I know that I am no guardian, not anyone to you... but I hate to see you cry."
"Rider... my hair is wet... your clothes..." - I began but he cut me off.
"I don't fucking care if my shirt gets wet..." - Rider said in an annoyed voice. - "It can burn, get dirty, or wet, or whatever for all I care... just don't cry like that; alone, hiding your tears." - He murmured, and tightened his arms around me. I buried my face in his chest, and inhaled his scent.
"I don't understand you..." - I said, and I felt a faint smile play around the corners of my mouth. He held me away from himself so he could look into my eyes, and raised one eyebrow, like he always did, when he was asking a silent question - like he did now. - "I mean..."
I blushed, and looked away, and accidentally I looked into the mirror. He was examining me, like it was the other way around, and he was trying to read me. Rider leaned forward, and I looked back at him, just in time to see the last second as his eyes shut before he kissed me... but that was no magic like when I purified him, nor fierceness and passion, like our kiss before I went running with Morgen.
This kiss was soft, and kind. It was a soft flutter, like butter fly wings, quick as a stolen kiss, but still there... it was over in matter of seconds, but even after he backed away, I could feel the taste of his lips on mine.
"What can you not understand about me? I have been trying to be very clear... but it was you who refused me over and over." - He stroked my chin. - "It was so hard to make myself decide to go against the law, and to stay here... but I decided, and ever since, I have been trying to reach out to you."
I unwrapped his arms, and backed away.
"I am sorry." - I looked up at him. - "I only cause trouble to you. Please, do not break the laws for me, do not try to anger the guys upstairs." - I couldn't find another definition for the people who ruled. He smiled, and licked his lips. (oh god... that was. hot.Very. Very. Very. HOT.) Then he opened his arms wide.
"I've already decided; I rather face them under any conditions than to leave you behind again." - He closed the distance between us, but i pushed him away.
"Have you lost your mind?!" - I yelled. I thought about Spiritus, and my father... they both decided to go against the rules and all they earned with their stubborn mentality is suffering, and pain. He couldn't really want that! I dug into my hair, and turned around.
"I know what I'm doing..." - He hugged me from behind, but the tears were already rolling down my cheeks as I imagined all the horrible things they would do to him... all the torture, and pain they would cause him just to force him to obey their laws.
"You are a liar." - I whispered. - "The consilium is merciless, and we both know that. You are not supposed to love, especially not a Nephilim.." - My shoulders trembled, and he just hugged me, tried to comfort me, but it hurt even more. The awful thoughts have scarred me as they came and go.
Rider turned me around, and forcefully kissed me. I pushed him again, and backed against the wall.
This was what I wanted? I wished that he would like me back, but I know about the consequences now. I knew them even then, but it seemed so impossible... however, Rider has to forget about me, and flee from here as far as he can. If the consilium finds out about that he found me, the youngest daughter of Prince Ambriel - who is supposed to be dead, and is still alive (just by existing, I was breaking the law, and I was a rebel in their eyes.) and I shouldn't be so selfish to pull him with me down to the depth of this slope. That I couldn't do.
He was right that day, when he called me a whore, I just wish that he never changed his opinion about me. I wasn't worth his time, and even I didn't know what I wanted, but now, that he was here, asking me to choose between being with him, and live in fear, and just sit around while waiting for that fatal day when the punishment would come, or chase him away, and live in pain and longing for the things we could never do, and never have because of people who watch over us, and make sure that we behaved the way the saw it fit.
I slid down beside the wall. He choose, and now it was my turn. I sighed. The dried tears pulled my skin, and my throat was sore from the screams I wanted to let out, but never had the chance.
"I can't do this to you again...." - I whispered as I looked at him. - "I can't just drag you down to hell with me." - He sat down beside me, and hugged me.
"I am going to hell anyways, but I can't leave... I can't just leave while I know that they will most likely come fore you, and try to take your life just because of a stupid name you never used."
"You know about that, huh?" - I wasn't even surprised anymore.
"Yeah, but here is my offer: Iris and Darren are planning to leave, and they have a good reason. Remiel isn't the nice guy you think he is. He will turn you in, he will destroy you." - Rider pulled me closer. - "And it's not just Darren and your sister. It's Morgen, Haniel, and so many others. We cannot stick together, the whole group, because that would seem like a Riot to the consilium... but the four of us will go North, where I have some friends and start this all over..."
"What's the use?" - I whispered. - "We will always have to run."
"So?" - He held my chin between his thumb and index finger, and forced me to look at him - "I'd rather run
I looked up at him, and felt a strong urge to say yes. His eyes were full of desperation, and his enthusiasm kind of stuck on me too... and that's when the sirens began to scream. We both jumped up.
"Get dressed, I'll wait for you in the room. But hurry... these sirens mean serious trouble.."
"What?" - I asked. He threw my gear at me, and I caught it as quick as I could.
"Demons."
No comments:
Post a Comment